_*_: January 2012

And it's been awhile

Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you....

These are lyrics by Stain'd.................but what I am getting at - is that there has not been a blog for some time meow, and that is because I have been snorkelling in laksa broth, in Asia.

I know what you’re thinking; Well who the fuck am I going to steal sweet jokes from to impress my boyz down the club on the weekend without this blog? I know. Trust me, I know – and from all accounts it has been dry around this joint recently, humour wise. But I am back. With vengeance.

Being a male dancer is hard, but Asia is easy. Easy to have a good time when you are young a free. Sure, its pungent on a man’s nostrils, it begs for the hygienically daring, they slam down domestic pets as delicate cuisine and it is loaded with Ladyboys – but it is actually the bestest damn place EVAAAAA (say with mouth opened wide) AAAA. I can prove this with photographic evidence also.

First stop: Thai-rand. Where to weather is barmy, the food is questionable, the nightlife is tremendous and the chicky babes are in fact, men. It’s so common for a man to have his twig and berries severed off, and boobies implanted, that it is completely reasonable for someone to sidle up to an ACTUAL woman, and just to be sure, say “are you Kathoey (Lady-boy)?”. Imagine if you did that here? You pop on your GoPro camera (why not), you go down to the Paradise bus exchange, and you roll up to the first lady you see and just go... “Excuse me miss, but is it accurate that you are in fact......a man?”. Wow. I mean, If she didn't at least attempt a punch to the face, or a pile-drive to the face I would be very surprised/disappointed. Better yet, ask a man if there is a possibility that he might be a woman? Greeeeeat way to swallow your teeth no?

Yeah so, Thailand is great. They sell these large buckets which are comprised of half a bottle of vodka, and two Redbull syrups. After searching high and low for my marbles one night, I was informed that the red-bull energy drink was actually invented in Thailand – in this: its purest form. The product was then manipulated, carbonated and re-patented by a dude from Amsterdam, who is now on the Worlds’ elite rich list. Sooooo what I was actually ingesting was some thai palpitation shifter shit, that driiiives a man....Insane. Clinically mental. You will be exhibiting unprecedented behaviour, it will even shock yourself. “Nutts” the schmoe I was travelling with actually commandeered an elderly ladies’ food stall trolley, eating her products and offering them to passers-by for a reasonable fee, he was also giving the finger to people he had never met, pressing his finger against their noses.......and none of this could be recollected in the morning. It’s like LSD or something, in a syrup, with speed? I dunno. But I lost my shoes and shirt.

We were also lucky enough to have our spines rearranged by an ambitiously over-crowded speed boat, which was our chosen "transport" to the Thai island Koh Penang - for the infamous Full Moon Party. Days later we learnt that the previous year, this very same transport vessel had capsized - resulting in the horrific night time drowning of 14 people......the lucky ones swam to a nearby island only to be ushered off by local tribesmen who wear nay but a banana leaf. To look at; the Full Moon Party come December is 20,000 Aussies, Dutchies, Poms and Andy Roddicks thrashing about in an area fit for say, 800 people? In this jam sandwich, there are obstacles that are so damn illegal that its offensive. Twenty metre long ropes doused in flaming kerosene for people to hurdle, flaming hoops to dolphin dive through for a "laugh", cargo nets to climb and slippery dips that just fling you into the poo-storm of tourists. Meanwhile dozens of international DJs spin haaaaard dubstep, for people to "Dub out" to. Unfortunately my words can only do this event so much justice. But, hopefully you catch my drift. Or drifties. Bro.

The next day I was haemorrhaging from too much arsenic juice (redbull) when a miniature asian lady woke us, as if she were drunk, and had lost her house keys. It sounded like the stampede in Jumanji. Then it occurred to us that we had ordered a wake-up call for our flight, without sussing whether there were actually phones in Koh Samui. There aren’t. You just get some bizarre Thai woman screeching in that asian tone that makes you raise your eyebrows with your eyes closed. You know? So, blinded by hungoverness, we B-lined for the airport, which is just a slightly more quaint shantee. After intravenous McDonalds and a stopover in smash-dick (Bangkok) we set foot in Phnom Penh.

Combodge rocks for starters. It coils a sloppy one on Thailand, But you be the judge. Phenom Pen15 offers a nicer, less Clipsal 500 version of Asia. Better people, shops, food and foreigners. Plenty of expats, and many a French colloquial bars and restaurants. Feeling that? Its flaunt with good times only. With the exception of S21, the Khmer Rouge “Torture Museum” courtesy of Pol Pot. After going here you should have no choice but to sprint home, grab the TV remote and desperately trawl for the most light-hearted comedy you can find, otherwise you will just slump into a deep, deep depression. Heed this advice. The city is also situated on a river, which is picturesque and wicked for hooking up with dudes... I mean chics.

*You are also meant to sleep with one hand on each kidney here, as it is the world leader in black market organ trading. J

Further North lies the ancient temple city of Angkor Wat, which is garnered by the town that offers Cambo’s best nightlife, Siem Reap. Angkor wat is where Angelina Jolie plonked her knockers on those ancient stone temples with tree roots inter-twining all over them yeah? You know you are a shit-balls tourist when you ask your driver if you can see the “Tomb Raider” temple, they wear a smile – but you can tell the driver just thinks you are another Marty Blower. Siem reap is also where I got my botty towelled by a drunk dude speeding on a scooter. Because henry wanted to go this particular direction to go to the male brothel or something.

Cue: Henry Nutt for explanation....

- salutations.

firday night, siem reap...December something.. disposing of our horrific hangovers by searching through the ancient temples of Ankor Wat, Ankor Thom and the Bayon Temple, we decided that perhaps a quiet evening was in order. "what should we do?" miles questioned. "lets go to the markets!" i replied. miles rolls his eyes, as he now accustomed to the fact that all i want to do is look at markets and try to get ripped off. "lets get dinner first" he replied. i then looked at him and said "yuuuuuggghhhh maaatee"....(said as if your throat is very dry and you have been up for 4-6 days) so we made our way to the infamous "Pub Street" courtesy of our adorable Tuk Tuk driver "helvut" "or "heavut" or something. i called him helmet. he was cute...miles said he head looked like that of an old dried cashew. i didn't see the resemblance, but thought he was delicious nonetheless.

Arriving on pub street, where the damage had been done the night before. chills run down the spin as you wander past clubs and pubs you ventured the night before. noticeably a little place called Ankor wat? (original huh?) were miles and i settled in and i choofed my newly adopted cigar addiction. Look, we got on it....we drank a few beers ok? we drank a few beers to the tune $0.75 a pint or a jug for $2.50...what was i supposed to do? as time went by and i very slowly spent $20, miles and i decided to get some air, and look at another place...this place was literally over the street, called "temple" (again, original..bless them) we strolled in to the bar and noticed a burley man with the "David Brent" style goatee waving at us. to our confusion we head over. "Are you'se ozzies? ya look like ozzies??" the man proclaimed. "ah yeah man, we are. how are ya?" we replied a little annoyed at what we had just heard. "fuckin good maate! im aaron and this is Chris, (pointing to his much younger friend) and this is my bird (i forget her name, but she was cambodian). miles and i look at one another, as if to think something is out of place. why is a 30 something year old man hanging out with a young 20ish year old man and a maybe 20ish year old SIem Reap Local? miles got chatting to chris, who was actually a terrific fella, and i got stuck with me new best mate....aaron. after some idol chit chat, he informs us that he works on the mines or whatever, and was basically in asia to get on it. "beers are $0.75, whats wrong with the world!! Nothin!! cocktail jugs are 3 bucks! whats wrong with the world!! nothing!! see my bird here?? $50 bucks for two days! whats wrong with the world? nothin!!" this was an actual quote from aaron word for word...as my eyes widened to the information my brain was slowly piecing together, aaron had selected a young lady to be "his" for two days....if there is anything wrong with the world. its aaron...surely... we went back to ankor wat? and drank 250 beers that was that...

i forget what i was supposed to be telling you... oh yeah miles and his scooter. yeah. so we get pub street and select a restaurant. its called the red piano, i remember this as angelina jolie ate there once...and they dont let you forget it. we each had a cocktail to sooth our hung tummys and ordered western meals. if we were ever going to order asian, being this hung was not the time. miles ordered some polish dish or something and it was out lickidy split, i ordered spaghetti, im left to assume they made it from scratch as it took nearly 45 mins to arrive...would this later effect the events of the evening? who knows. after i watched miles eat his meal, he patiently watched me eat mine. we then got the bill..$11.40 and made our way to the night markets, as miles had promised. in walking there i noticed a neon sign pointing to night markets, ones we hadnt been to before. miles wasnt so keen, but i wanted to buy another 5 casios... we set off in a new direction chatting away, asking hypothetical questions to one another over and over. we came to the cross roads where over there road lies a bridge, over the bridge...night markets. after being in tie-land for sometime and also cambodia, we have somewhat got used to crossing the street. eyes forward. nice and easy, give the scooters a chance to swerve you, as ofcourse. there are no such things as road rules in asia...red lights are just suggestions...

we looked left, looked right, looked left again....looked right onces more and commenced crossing, i took my first step out looking left, and saw a scooter steaming around the corner heading our way "woaaahh" i said as i took a step back and watch it sail past my body. as i watched it pass me, miles came in to sight. he was looking right for other scooters, when he looked left, it was too late. he had a honda 4 stroke parked up his ass... when a scooter going 60 hits a man weighing 90 nothing is pretty..the noise of OOHHHEEEGGGHHH like an upper cut to the cut, then a full grown man doing a 540 degree turn 1.5 meters off the ground, as the scooter spins out of control why still carrying what appears to be a dead siem reap local...he wasnt dead....however he was the drunkest man id ever seen, and both concerned were lucky to be alive.

spare a thought for old Henry though. no man needs to see one of his best mates do front flips over scooters...no man...although the incident would have made for great footage, i maintain that my facial expressions could indeed rival the collision its self. let me explain, do it at home if you wish....legs shoulder with apart, knees bent 30 degree's. arms out elbows bent, as if someone is about to throw you a basketball. slap your self in the nose so your eyes glaze over and open your mouth as if someone is trying to throw a smarty in there...thats what i was like for nearly a miniute...i was 1.5 meters away from the crash but 5th on the scene to offer my aid...i didnt sleep much that night....why didnt i order what miles did? we would have finished 45 minutes early? the drunk guy would still be at the pub, why didnt we go to the other night markets? we never would have had to cross that street....anyone seen donnie darko? thats the shit im on about...

i did however enjoy miles being noticed in the street up to 2 hours later...people pointing and shouting in kmere to their friends "the man that defeated a scooter"... yeah thats right, he defeated a scooter...and that man is my pal miles wilson...

so yeah, sorry to ramble, hope its a good yarn. im Henry Nutt, my birthday is on the 19th, so add me on facebook and wish me a happy birthday. if i dont know you i can delete you after, im just in it for the numbers. cheers. Big Easy.

.......Buns here again.

“You want go to PEE PEEEEEEEE...!?!?”

You have to shout this in an asian-english accent, it’s radical.

Next we found our sorry balls in Hanoi, where we stayed in some dudes flat. The punch line here is that this flat was sold to us as a “hotel”, but was in fact a front for fat white kids (us) who have no idea where their sphincter is. The best part is, once we were checked into this phony place, we opened our lonely planet guide-book to the exact page where it stresses how careful foreigners need to be, as it is the number one destination for phony accommodation. Some overzealous cunt with a massive whitehead smack-bang in the middle of his chin; which I mistook for a chin stud, commandeered us from the taxi. The taxi pulled up outside the correct REAL hotel, only to have us whisked away by this puny, over enthusiastic fiend who knew our names, and had a “spray it don’t say it” attitude. Pellets of foam would literally hit you between the eyes as this smiley sack attempted to flex his English muscles – only in an bid to sell us a drastically over-priced day trip to Ha Long bay. We didn’t bite. So he had us check-out immediately. Turns out the cabbies work in cahoots with these fake travel agents/flat owners. I still have every organ though. Thumbs Up.

How many words do you think this blog is? .......Winner gets a rubber band to the neck.

So after a week in Hanoi, racking up counterfeit goods, and a day trip to the Ha Long Bay islands, things wrapped up after three weeks with a plethora of Bloody Marys, and a very nostril drying, upgraded flight home. Bizznak class baby, and rightfully so.

Chimpanzee that! Monkey news?

The Shiny shiny boyzzz have been busy, new press shots, new songs and a whole new light shed on 2012. I for one, am excited. A new single will be out shortly, coupled with a film clip and a swag of interstate tours. Keep your peepers on the facebook, and this here bible/blog. Things will happen from time to time – I promise.

Lots of love and kisses,

Buns.

Something for the visually able: